The other day as I was getting ready for work, it was not a good morning.
I was going about the morning routine alone, as my husband had to leave for work early that day. I was annoyed by the way the morning was going and it played out horrible for the next 45 minutes.
My daughter is in a whiny stage.
Her whines bring out the worst physiological response in me. My stomach aches, my shoulder blades feel like they are on fire, and my blood pressure rises like a pressure cooker. I actually get hot! like sweat hot. I usually try to cut it off, stop what I’m doing and try to meet her in that space to meet her need. But this particular morning, I was already steaming and there was no calm sense of reason in my mind. I could feel my heart trying to rationalize with my anger, but unfortunately on this particular morning, I had an EPIC fail. I was running late, I wasn’t even close to being ready and the whining…oh it just put me through the roof. So in a very un-proud mom moment, I was not nice to my daughter. I gritted my teeth, I had a very strong and angry tone to my voice, and I angrily took her to her room to cry and whine there where I didn’t have to listen to it so I could get us out the door.
As soon as she was in her room, I shut (slammed) the door and as I walked away.
I just felt so crappy. The very makeup I was trying to put on was just washing down my face. I hunched over the sink and just cried. I put myself in my daughter shoes, and then for a moment, I actually went back to being a small child and remembering how I felt being treated certain ways. I remembered how I felt and it just BROKE ME! In that moment, I think I actually felt what it meant to BE SORRY!
As I composed myself, I went to my daughters room, I sat with her on her bed, had her stand up so we could be eye to eye.
I asked her to look me in the eyes, with tears streaming down my face, I cried to her. With a trembling voice, I apologized…..and I meant it. Her precious 3.5 year old heart, threw her arms around my neck, wiped my tears and said it’s ok mommy, I forgive you. In that moment, I realized how many times I’ve said I’m sorry in my life, but probably wasn’t. That moment changed me. It changed how I view the things I teach her. As we are working through teaching basic manners, I don’t want to just teach her to say she’s sorry, rather I want her to learn to be in a place of actual sorrow for what she did and then being authentic with that apology. I had to ask myself, is the “manner” of saying I’m sorry over rated, is it too mechanical in nature to where it’s lost its value and authenticity? Do we want to get past the moment and get back to “normal?” with the person, rather than really deal with whether we are sorry. Why are we? Why aren’t we? Does the event need more processing and evaluation within before you can deliver an real apology? Do we miss out on personal growth by not giving that time to process and feel sorrow? I certainly don’t have the answers. However, If I can spend more time processing, then I can get to a place of feeling sorrow, and actually grow in this area of my life. I can be more empathetic.
For days I thought, geez I hope her little brain will forget that morning.
God please remove that angry memory I just created in her. I do not want her to think of me that way. But that prayer will likely go unanswered, and I think I am ok with that. Because the redemption, forgiveness, and vulnerability I shared and experienced with her is so much more powerful. I pray that is what will be imprinted in her precious little heart.