I’ve been up since 4 am. Our windows are open, not because I have diarrhea because I don’t.
Rather, the season change could not be timelier. It’s Spring. New things are blooming. New seeds are growing from an odd “not so Winter” here in the Northeast. All of my senses are on high alert. I can feel everything all at once. My heart is pounding. My stomach is churning. I am listening to a wild turkey gobbling outside my window. I look out and see deer grazing in the backyard as the sun slowly arises and awakens me. I get up to marvel at this moment. Taking it all in. Birds are chirping. My hands are shaking, my legs feel weak. My armpits are clammy. My heart palpitating. I literally look myself in the mirror to find reassurance that I am actually awake, and not sweating from maybe some bad dinner.
I smirk.
I do a little end-zone happy dance. It’s a little early and I don’t want to wake my husband or child. I want to laugh and scream out loud, throw up and poop all at the same time.
This is what COURAGE feels like for me today. It feels like diarrhea of the soul.
There were no fireworks when the countdown completed. Just a small beep on my phone from the countdown app. And in an instant, it began to count UP! I looked up! And I said…Let’s do this.
That was Monday….
Several folks have asked me how things are going…it’s been 3 days 10 hours and 7 minutes….and to be honest I feel…light. Yes kind of like when you’ve actually had diarrhea and lost like 6 pounds. But it’s in this place, that my emotions feel, my body moves, I am unrestricted. Like many changes in life it will take some getting used to. There is this stirring up that I would be doing something else. Yet even as I type this right now, I am so happy! It’s like a toy that is finally getting a chance to be played with. Pulled off the shelf, dusted off, and I am discovering all that this toy can do.
I know it’s going to feel weird for a little while. I’m going to have good days and bad days. I’m going to have shooting over the moon moments, and OH GOD what did I do… moments. The ironic part is I love and look forward to all of them. I like arriving, but I love the journey more. How can we not? Isn’t the arrival best realized by the journey that got us there? The anticipation, the agony of “Are we There Yet?” The excitement of the arrival is exacerbated by the journey of getting there.
Tuesday was seriously a treat….
I woke up with less stomach churning…I could feel in my bones it was going to be a good day. My favorite part was starting the day off with reading and praying. I read and pray on the go. This was on the Stay! I sat and stayed in one chair reading and praying. What a glorious morning.
I was productive and got things done (laundry, bills, clean up, etc) around the house in the morning. I was greeted by my little as she woke up about a half hour later, and greeted me in my writing/prayer room. No pressure to rush to get ready, just her and I, I imagine what that must have been like for her. To greet her with no anxiety, with a huge smile, with calm, with welcome into my space in my world and into the inner depths of my soul, with gladness. How I have longed to give to her in this way…but distraction and depletion had left me with very little to give her.
House chores was of course on the “list” and the schedule I had prepared during the planning stage. And yes I typed it in Excel and printed it on my desk. You’re welcome to judge….but I own that part of my inner geek. I later ran errands with my daughter. What kind of treat is that? It was time for us to hang out, roll the windows down, sing songs, be silly, talk, and enjoy time together, all while mommy (ME!!!) got to be…yup more productive…That is the OCD in me. Must check off list…Must check off item on list…But today it was fun, because it was intentional time for us to be together, I wasn’t distracted from end of work noise and stress trying to get those very same things done (dry cleaning, Rx pick up, etc). It was the same task done with a different heart.
We then picked up lunch and picnicked at the park. I got to PLAY WITH MY KID at the park! OMG!
Yes that is me screaming…I was elated. Running round, climbing, swinging, laughing, hearing her call my name “Mommy look at this” “Catch me Mommy”…Oh the JOY! OVER FRIGGIN’ Flowing! No amount of money I was “losing” from my new part time schedule is worth that! Priceless.
Later we then stopped by my mom’s house…..ON PURPOSE. This was another treat. With no other intention but to hang out…maybe have a little adult beverage and chill. Being totally VUL here. But this time felt kinda cool. Cool to hang out with your mom? Seriously, what kind of whacko are you? Normally I am annoyed….when it comes to my mom. She will need something at the most inopportune times in my day. I feel SO guilty if I don’t completely rearrange everything I am doing to meet her need. Like God will strike me in that moment for rejecting my mother’s need. I know I have issues with this and I am working on that….the history with my mother is filled with D-R-A-M-A. So before you judge…stick around for those stories told another time…and then you will understand the resistance.….nonetheless…this moment was a time that I felt a sigh of relief…all that I had hoped some of my Tuesday’s would feel…it was turning out to be just that. I was hanging out with my mom…willingly and we laughed. I helped her with some things around the house and it was a good day.
Later that evening, we had the pleasure of a surprise house guest. The awesome part was that I welcomed the unexpected. As a super planner I don’t normally have the capacity to take on unexpected and spontaneous. Since the day was so productive, I was like SURE bring it on…and while we hung out, I was able to actually be engaged, sit back and enjoy good conversation with out the distractions of thoughts like…”you could be doing laundry, your bills, and other TO DO list stuff.” I couldn’t because…they were DONE! I had made time for them earlier in the day and it allowed me time to be in fellowship without the distraction. Enjoying a “framily” (friend like family) night and just kick it! Again, for me this day was a little cherry on top of the complete treat.
Wednesday I felt valued….
I went in to work…this week was a week of some deliverables so I went in and got crackin on finalizing some things. Pretty straight forward day. It was a little different in that the position and role I am playing is different, and I like it. I get to continue to use my talent, my gifts, my knowledge, but rather than lead, I get to help others lead…..whoa what the what? Maybe something brewing there eh? I left work that day with little stress, and happy. I felt valued. Later that night, because my hubs and I are geeks, he helped with a new application for all my content. I hope that future Wednesday nights are filled with less project stuff and more couch cuddling!
So here I am Thursday…
I am getting on the phone today with two people that I will be working with for the next several months. Sharing our testimonies and building a foundation of trust as we embark on this journey of Getting There. I spent time in the word again today, I finished some things as round the house and There is that still small voice…trying to apply pressure. Stop journaling, stop blogging, stop writing all this down, telling me no one cares that you did your laundry, Linette. We all do it. I know we do, but it’s the small and big victories that we should share. The enemy may try to keep me down, or keep me quiet, but that’s all the more fuel for the road…in my journey to Getting There!
Lovelies,
Until next time…enjoy the small victories…even if that small victory is that you pooped alone today (mom’s)
💩!